Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Right before Christmas I discovered I was pregnant. Pregnant! Me. I was with child, going to have a baby. How did this happen!? Okay...I know how it happened, but it wasn't planned. I was shocked! I was not planning on having a baby anytime soon. My boyfriend Josh and I had just gotten back together after a short separation and were just starting to rebuild our relationship. I was really worried what adding the stress of pregnancy would do to it. Plus, I would have to change jobs. I was so stressed and felt so lost.

I thought about abortion, but I couldn't accept not having a baby that Josh and I created together. Plus, I have always wanted to be a mom. I love kids! But, I made sure to take plenty of time to think about things before making any decisions. After the holidays Josh and I were more relaxed and realized how much we wanted this baby. We were doing great and our relationship was getting stronger every day. We were so happy and super excited to be parents! I was really looking forward to being pregnant and becoming a mom! I couldn't wait to see what our baby would look like.

It was all so exciting, until I got the saddest news I've ever heard...The doctor told me that my baby did not have a heartbeat. It was no longer growing.

I was at a doctor's appointment and the exam was going well until it was time to listen for the heartbeat...there wasn't one. I was in complete shock. Josh was too. The doctor explained to us that the fetus had stopped growing. A major organ probably failed to develop somewhere and my body stopped the process. The doc was really nice and explained it was not my fault and there was nothing I could've done. But I can't explain to you how it felt. I did not realize how excited I actually was to have a baby until the moment I was told I was not going to have one anymore. I was crushed!

I had surgery the next day. A D&C procedure. Which is where the cervix is dilated and everything is sucked and scraped out, all the tissue and everything. It really creeps me out to think about it. I was put out for it, thank god. I woke up in a daze with pain in my belly, but the morphine I was given took care of that! I was sent home with some pain killers so I spent the rest of the night pretty out of it too. I stayed in bed the next few days with horrible stomach cramps. The heating pad became my new best friend and I had to try not to complain all the time about having to wear a diaper. It was so not fun!

What was great though, was my boyfriend and the support of my family and few close friends that knew what was going on. Josh has been extremely wonderful through all of this! He's been taking such great care of me! He has been so strong and helped me continually feel loved and comforted. I couldn't imagine going through this without him! This whole experience has definitely brought us closer together and added strength to our relationship. I'm really happy to have him in my life and love him very much. He is going to be a wonderful father some day :)

I see the doctor for a check up today, so hopefully he'll give me two thumbs up on everything. Physically, I'm starting to feel much better. Emotionally however, I am up and down. Sadness comes in waves and I'm not sure what direction to go in now. Most of the time I want to hide under the covers and not leave my bed. But on the bright side, I do have an overall positive outlook on everything. I believe this happened for a reason, and although I might not understand it now, it is all for the best. Although I'm super sad right now, things will get better soon. I'll be a mom one day and it will be awesome. It's just not the right time now.

For now, I'm just going to take it easy and focus on recovering.

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